Dear Mama,

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope reading this brings you comfort. Miscarriage support is real. No matter how many years ago you lost your baby,  the feeling of knowing you aren’t going to be able to meet your baby, see them grow up, play with them, laugh and cry with them…is so hard. I know, I understand, I empathize with you. Truly I do because I feel it too.

I wish the world could have met our little ones. But, who once were our babies are now our angels. We no longer have to worry about them- they are safe. All we have to do is keep living each day knowing we are their mamas and they are our babies.

Miscarriage Support for Us

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It’s a time to remember our babies, to cherish their memory. This is why I wanted to write about miscarriage support today.

Allow Yourself to Grieve

I didn’t know what to feel when we lost our little one last year. At first, I was almost upset at myself for how well I was “handling it.” We were sitting in the doctor waiting for a magic “cure” but knowing it wasn’t going to happen. Days after we miscarried, I just lost it. I didn’t know how to stop crying.

My husband was so supportive as he struggled himself with the loss of his baby. No matter what you felt then or now- it is normal. Grieving is a long process, with many stages and different emotions. Whether you feel denial you were ever pregnant, anger, guilt, depression or you feel like you have healed well- allow yourself to feel that emotion and know it is normal. Not only that, but we are here for you- the other mamas who have lost babies too. I am here for you.

Miscarriage Support for Daddy: He needs to Grieve too

I got saddened by how no one really reached out or tried to help my husband during our loss. So much emphasis was placed on me because I was physically carrying him/her but their daddy lost something very special to him too.

I tried to remember that while we were grieving. That we needed to grieve together and apart and that I needed to reach out and make sure he was doing ok too. It’s hard for men to lose their baby- so allow daddies to grieve. Dad’s need miscarriage support, even though it may look different than what we need.

Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help

No matter if your loss was recent or years ago, grief can sneak up, come back, or stick around for a long time. Don’t be afraid to reach out to those who love you. Sometimes just talking about our baby is all we need to heal. I know I struggle with this since we lost almost a year ago. If I am struggling with the loss today, it seems not worth bringing it up. I have a fear that others won’t understand since it happened so long ago.

Shouldn’t I be over it by now? You can be over it today and not tomorrow or tomorrow but not yesterday. Our memory and longing for our babies will be forever. Ask for help, seek support, or just find a listening ear when you know you need one.

Keep their Memory Alive

We may have never got the chance to raise them but they are still our babies. Instead of trying to forget in order to not feel pain, keep their memory alive! Somethings that helped us to connect and accept our baby’s passing:

1. Name your Baby: Even if you don’t know if they were a boy or girl, give them a name. I know this really helped my husband and I grieve together. We lost before we found out the gender so we came up with a name that was a girl first name and boy middle name. Now we can call our baby by name when we are talking about him/her. Our baby is Catherine Jude Barry. 
2. Find Something to Remind you of them: We bought a clear glass ornament and put baby booties inside. We wrote his/her initials on the outside the of the ball as well as the miscarriage date. Each year it goes on our Christmas tree, right next to all our other babies’ ornaments. We chose this because we found out we were pregnant on Christmas morning. Find something that is meaningful to you or will remind you of your baby.
3. Talk about Your Baby: Sometimes to “protect” ourselves from emotions we choose not to talk about our baby or that we ever lost. But, talking about your baby with yourself, your spouse, your family, and friends, can be the best thing for healing. Because who wouldn’t want to know about your baby?! We take pride in our children and this can keep their memory alive and help us to grieve healthily.

I hope you find this supportive for whatever stage of grieving you are in. I know for me it’s even healing just to write about my loss and supporting other mamas who have lost too. You are doing it, mama; we are doing it. If you feel like it would help you or you would like to share your story, please feel free to in the comments below. I would love to respond to you and share in your story.

“From our babies to our angels.”

lots of love,

xo Haley